Self-Sabotage: when my mental monkeys are on the loose

The boy cried: “ why are you doing this to me? I am a good boy…I don’t like when you treat me like this. —silence— I do what I got to do, I respect and do good to others, so why can’t I get what I want? —silence—  You know this is not what I want. It is not fair, what am I supposed to do? —silence— I’m so mad at you! —silence—  ( red face, fist clenched) Give me what I want…I want it and I want it now!”

That  boy was me this morning, in a full-blown pity party. I was driving to work and I felt so frustrated with myself because I was not getting exactly what I want at this point in my life. I have set my goals, planned accordingly and work hard to make it happen.  I felt that I was going in the right direction, so why things are not going my way? This morning that drive and sense of direction I thought I had were put in question.  In other words, my faith was in question. I felt lost without guidance, like a GPS without a signal, (gasp!) useless.  I got tired of asking questions seeking for an answer or something remotely close to it that will let me know that I am on the right path in my life. Despite of working hard to get more business, work is lacking and no steady income coming in. I felt like I was wondering around aimlessly like a sailboat with a broken mast, again…useless. Then it got worse, the mental monkeys were out and running loose. I was enraged about why this and that were not happening, justifying how hard I have worked for this and rationalized different theories of why it isn’t happening.  I had an internal rage with myself , with God and the Universe.  I cried and protested like a little boy demanding what I want it so bad and what I felt it was so righteously mine.  

After several periods of silence and feeling that my mental monkeys were tired of ranting the same injustices over and over, I was feeling numb. I was ashamed by my actions and my sense of despair.  I started to breathe slowly and used tapping techniques to release my tension. I also practiced  the Ho’oponopono technique  to cleanse myself of all the negativity I have created in such a short time.  The long drive did me great service this morning.

I got to the work site and feeling better about myself, I started my work day without giving it another thought. Hours later I got a call for an immediate job, as I knew it will happen. Needless to say, I was happy.  But despite of knowing that a solution always come at the 11th hour, why I did this to myself? What I did this morning was giving into hopelessness and questioning my faith because thing are not happening exactly the way I want to. When this happens the mind self-sabotage itself fueled by the negative thoughts I help create.  Why I do this? There is a lesson between the lesson as my Systema instructor will say. I recognize faults in my character that need more attention.  As a human being, I have my strengths as well as my weaknesses. Instead of holding on to my faith, trusting that everything will turn out well in due time as it has been proven to me many times before,  I tend to judge from the current facts (and the lack of) and give into self-doubt. When I dwell on uncertainty for too long it is easier for the negativity and the mental monkeys to conquer over.